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Family Guy / Season One

#1: Death Has a Shadow

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Aw, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.
Stewie: But of course! That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie.
Stewie: Very well, then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.

Meg: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois: Oh, don't touch the thermostat, Meg; your father gets upset.
Meg: Come on, this thing goes up to ninety.
Peter: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg: God, how does he always know?
Peter: Brain implant, Meg; every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messing with the dial.
Neighbor: Hey Peter, my thing went off; your thermostat okay?
Peter: Yeah, it's alright.
Other Neighbor: Hey, is my kid over here?
Neighbor: Forget it, false alarm.

Peter: Now, kids, daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Stewie: Well, well, mother. We meet again!
Lois: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago?
Stewie: Not tightly enough, it would seem. And now, you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!
Lois: You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey; right now it's bed time.
Stewie: No! Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

Peter: Look, I hate lying to Lois; it's just the best way to keep her from knowing the truth!

Peter: Guys, our money problems are over; we're officially on welfare! Come on, kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.

Lois: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell!?
Lois: Well! No dessert for you, young man.

Stewie: Hello, mother!
Lois: Well, hi there, sweetie!
Stewie: You know, mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get! Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

#2: I Never Met the Dead Man

Stewie: Can I count to three!? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

Peter: Fox is airing one of those new reality shows at eight: Fast Animals; Slow Children.

Peter: Isn't "bribe" just another word for "love?"

Peter: Woah, what could me and you do together?
Lois: (giggles)
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh! Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Peter: Meg, there'll be plenty of time to drive when you're dead.

Captain Kirk: Alright men, this is a dangerous mission, and it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw, crap.

#3: Chitty Chitty Death Bang

Chris: Oh, it's cool, dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win four quarters! I win every time!

Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!

Chris: Hey, dad, they've even got games in the bathroom! Look, I won a balloon!

Little boy: I have thirteen tickets now; is that enough?
Man: Oh, sorry Timmy, but you need fifteen tickets to live.

Airport Attendant: Well, hey there, little boy, are you lost?
Stewie: Now listen to me... Joline, I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! Oh, god help you if I find pickles!
Airport Attendant: Henry, I have a lost little boy.
Henry: Well, hey there, little fella. Why don't you come with me?
Stewie: No, damn you! You're one of them, aren't you? What are they paying you? I'll double it. I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! ... Men?

Jennifer: Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart!
Lois: Oh, no, once you get to know me, I'm really very nice.

Meg: I can't believe you'd put your family above your own daughter!
Brian: She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?
Lois: (gasps)
Brian: I said "runt."

Stewie: As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt praise will keep your warm as you spend the next ten years in frozen carbonite!

Peter: Hey Lois! Look, the two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change!

Chris: Hey, birthday dude, you want some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes. But no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find... I shall kill you.

Peter: Come on, Lois, a party couldn't be better if Jesus himself showed up.
Jesus: Okay, everybody, for my next miracle, I'm going to turn water... into funk.

#4: Mind Over Murder

Stewie: Blast you, woman, awake from your damnable reverie!

Pawtucket Patriot: Come hither and take heed!
Peter: Woah woah woah, I don't swing that way.

Stewie: Oh, God, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed!

Stewie: I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans. You shall rue this day. Well, go on! Start ruing!

Tooth: I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor!
Other Tooth: I think not!
Tooth: (gasps) Bicuspid! We meet again.
Other Tooth: Have at you!
Tooth: On guard!

Peter: Don't worry, Brian; I've got a plan.
Brian: Oh, good. I was afraid you were just going to improvise.
Peter: Oh, well, actually, I was going to use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell, but, improvise - that'll be easier on my back.

Chris: When the kids at school see this on TV, they'll think you're a total psycho, and I can say that psycho is my dad!

#5: A Hero Sits Next Door

Stewie: Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

Baseball Player: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
Other Baseball Player: Hey, thanks!
Baseball Player: Ha ha, that was joke gum!
Other Baseball Player: What do you mean?
Baseball Player: Now you're addicted to heroin!
(they both laugh)
Other Baseball Player: ... I'm cold.

#6: The Son Also Draws

Lois: Now, you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie; what you saw as actually a very beautiful thing!
Stewie: Well, evidently, madam, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty, because what I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls!
Lois: Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created.
Stewie: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda!

Peter: This is the one where the Fonz goes "Aaaay."
The Fonz: Aaaaay.
Peter: Take THAT, 1950s society!

Lois: Stewie, look what Mommy made for desert!
Stewie: Ooh, jello, how exotic! Why, I feel like I'm on the deck of the Q.E. II!

Speed Racer's Father: Speed, I do not think you should be in this race, ha ha! The Mach 5 is not ready, ha ha!
Speed Racer: But Pops, I must be in this race, ha ha!
Speed Racer's Father: Very well, ha ha, but you know I am not really your father, ha ha!
Speed Racer: Ah!

Peter: Look, Chris, it's a whole family of W.A.S.P.s!
Husband: My, Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Wife: Perhaps I can't cook a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
Husband: Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

Speed Racer: Ha ha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York, ha ha!
Speed Racer's Father: This does not affect us at all, ha ha!
Speed Racer: Ha ha!

Stewie: What the hell do you think you're doing!?
Lois: Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt.
Stewie: "So I don't get hurt;" that's the best you can come up with, you dull-witted termagant?
Lois: I brought your Raffi tape!
Stewie: ... Play "Wheels on the Bus" and get the hell out of my sight.

Meg: Nice going, Mom. I finally get my driver's license, and you lose the car to a poker machine. How ironic.
Peter: Hey, hey, don't talk about your mother that way. She is not an iron.

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alphabets! It says, "Ooooo."
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

#7: Brian - Portrait of a Dog

Stewie: Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. You prance about this house like the cock of the walk. But will you be prancing when... when... when there's nothing to prance about? Hmm? Will you be prancing then?

Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!
Chris: Yeah, well, you're hogging up all the ugly!

Peter: (writing) Dear MacGyver, enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.