Quote That!

Ishaq Levin: (dubbed voice) Mr. Simentov's mother is so stupid, it takes her a half hour to cook minute rice. You see, it is meant to take only a minute, which implies she has twenty-nine minutes of extra stupid.
Jon: Simentov! You're gonna take that!?
Zebulon Simentov: (dubbed voice) My response is as follows: Mr. Levin's mother is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits around the house. That is to say, his mother is a large woman and I wish to hurt his feelings.

Jon: Don't worry, people! He's holding a one day forum! It's going to be fine! Because when the going gets kind of tough, the tough get... kind of going.

Jon: I don't think the US needs any more support; thanks Liechtenstein!

Jon: There have been a handful of Negative Nellies who think maybe we shouldn't get in a war. You know, individuals like Republican Congressman Dick Army, or... NATO, or... Russia... or a small group of Americans known as a growing group of Americans.

Jon: Bass was not alone in his venture; he'd lined up several Hollywood producers to front the money in exchange for the rights to make a reality TV show about the journey. The working title for the program: Fuck You, Justin, I'm in Space.

Jon: In Bass' place, the Russians will send up a container packed with items for the space station that weighs about the same as the singer. That's true. The container, of course, having earned the 20 million dollar ticket price with proceeds from its hit single, "Yo, Items That Weigh As Much As Lance Bass, You Know I Be Containin' You, Girl."

Ed Helms: Unfortunately for Florida, because of a quirk in our nation's geology, the nation's excess stupidity actually drains into Florida. The continental plates slope, trapping our idiocy... in Florida's peninsula, causing a swirling vortex of retardation. You know, a good 70 percent of the nation's "duh" is located in just these two Jackass Bogs underneath Broward and Dade counties.

Jon: Wow! It's like they're the Wal-Mart of evil! Hold on... Wal-Mart's the Wal-Mart of evil.

Stephen Colbert: Jon, the mood here can best be described as optimistic, confident, I'm also permitted to describe it as upbeat, glorious, and Saddam-tastic.

Jon: Parade organizers said pejorative symbols were unwelcome on a day meant to celebrate the achievements of one brave Italian, who, 510 years ago, utterly misidentified an entire continent after being given enormous amounts of money by another country's corrupt queen to bring millions of Native Americans the gift of smallpox. There's no room for your make-believe mobsters, here, people. This is an up holiday.

Jon: Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action, because as a C student, he only got into Yale because he was the son of a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam Hussein is a menace and must be stopped.

Jon: According to Navy experts, the sea lion's speed and agility give them an advantage over what they used to use, dolphins, because the sea lion can continue the chase on dry land. I guess for a... few hundred feet.... waddling. That is unless the enemy uses his specially trained... foot... to kick it... or walk faster.

Jon: The new gun sells for 989 dollars. There's an additional charge for accessories like the attachable squirrel-seeking missile launcher. Perfect for squirrels and squirrels piloting small aircraft.

Jon: Why don't we see if we can punch this [Iraqi comedy] sketch up a little bit?
----
Bush Sr: The clever Iraqis hide their chemical weapons in the hems of little girls' party dresses.
Tony Blair: Why, you said a mouthful in that, guvnah! So therefore thus, we will bomb the hospitals and orphanages.
Bush Jr: All this work for the devil makes me hungry. Who wants to eat a baby?
Tony Blair: I'd like to eat a baby.
Bush Sr: I had baby last night. Perhaps I could just order the soup with baby fingers. Can you spot me, Tony?
Tony Blair: Sorry, George. I gave all my money to the devil.
----
Jon: You're welcome, Iraq.

Stephen Colbert: I'm not talking about mindlessly killing people; I'm simply talking about using multimillion-dollar weaponry to act out my personal juvenile fantasies.

Rob Corddry: With regard to protests, the Bush administration has instituted a strict policy of not giving a crap.

Frank Decaro: Even though it's definitely going to loose, The Two Towers is a spectacular film, and I can't wait to see how the third one is not going to win an Oscar.

Jon: (about Donald Rumsfeld) You know, there is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a "hey, you kids get off my lawn" approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk, swinging a broken bottle at people. "Hey, Netherlands, you looking at me?"

Jon: Oh, Madonna, why do you vex us so!?

Jon: A "friendship tour?" As opposed to an asskicking tour?

Jon: You know, there's an old saying I remember: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you to perform dangerous underwater mine-sweeping work, it has a very small brain."

Jon: (to Patrick Stewart) ... as you're known around here, Mr. Feely Hands.

Patrick Stewart: There is no truth in the stories about me, Sir Ian McKellen, and a white feather boa.

Jon: I didn't even know it was Earth Day. My whole day I've been out in the back... killing seals... and someone came in today and said it's Earth Day, and now I've got to go out and apologize to the earth now.

Jon: A group of conservative republicans, calling themselves the "Club for Growth," ... I actually believe I've been getting a lot of junk email from them.

Jon: It might've already happened. As of the airing of this program, Saddam Hussein was captured at the Quakerbridge mall in New Jersey, at Friendly's, eating a sundae out of a tiny helmet.

Jon: Though the United States military has digested and passed an entire Middle Eastern country, its maw hangs slack and drooling for more.

Jon: This year's "Small Business Day" is brought to you by Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart: If you have a small business, we'll crush you.

Jon: As a fake anchorman of a fake new show, I feel like I have a pretend obligation to inaccurately report the news; to ensure, for example, that our phony reports from Baghdad are genuinely phony. Well, I for one am proud to see our commitment to journalistic falsehood catching on. Kudos.

Jon: Everybody is excited about the movie coming out this weekend; I believe the name of it is Tron; it's about a futuristic world where Jeff Bridges... is, uh... am I the oldest person in this room? Nobody remembers Tron? Matrix: Reloaded, which is scheduled to be bought by Comedy Central to show in the year 2089 along with Half-Baked...

Jon: The president said it's not a slight against France, he just wants to see the, quote, "Cough drop horn guys." Said the president, quote... "Riiicolaa."

Jon: American troops have searched the bunkers, and it turns out that the arrows were... just really big arrows.